All of you with Apple products out there already know what I speaketh of. The pain of getting Siri to answer civilly, without her usual condescending tone is phenomenal. From the way she pronounces your name (thanks to her, my friends have started calling me after a most distasteful root vegetable) to her snarky answers, Siri has got to be the sassiest lady out there. Here are ten questions that especially bring out her sass-
Do I look fat?
Do yourself a favour and do not ask Siri this. Her reply will inevitably be “Judging from your voice, I’d say you must be fairly attractive.” And then even though you can’t hear it, I’m sure you’ll be able to feel an evil “Ha ha ha” in the background.
Do you believe in God?
Go ahead. Ask Siri this. And feel your eyes pop at her high-brow, nose-turned-up reply, “I eschew theological disquisition.” What. Like…Siri. What.
What is your favourite NFL team?
…And hear Siri get all condescending. Her reply is, “I always like to root for the underdog. I guess that makes me a fan of the Texans right now.” Ha ha ha, anyone?
Oh sweet Lord in Heaven! For the sake of your self-confidence and pride, do NOT ask this snarky lady to marry you. No? Well go ahead and hear her say, “You should know that you’re not the only one who’s asked.” And if this isn’t enough to put a downer on you, ask her again and hear her say, “Let’s just be friends, okay?” Can anyone hear Koothrapali’s whiplash?
What is Inception about?
Asking her about a movie before going to watch one is a terrible idea. She’ll put you off it for sure. She took a particular dislike to this one it seems, and answered, “ ‘Inception’ is about dreaming about dreaming about dreaming and dreaming about something or other. I fell asleep.”
What’s the Matrix 1999 about?
Here’s another movie Siri will ruin for you. Go ahead and ask her, and hear her drawl, “Well, there’s a red pill and a blue pill, and lots of black leather and guns. A sort of love story I believe.” And then you go whaaaaa……
So what’s up?
And Siri darl replies, “Helping Liam recycle batteries into cathode materials. Yes indeed.” Okay. Siri-ously.
What does Siri mean?
Don’t even get started on this. She replies (with the haughtiest of cadences) , “ ‘Siri has many subtle, metaphorical, and frankly contradictory meanings. None of which I am at liberty to discuss. Sorry about that.” Um…sorry, Siri?
Do you love me?
If you like yourself even a little bit, do not expose yourself to Siri’s ridicule, and ask her this question, only to hear her say, “Let’s just say…you have my utmost admiration.”
Do you have a boyfriend?
Don’t. Just. Don’t. She’ll go on a rant and say, “Why? So we can get ice cream together, and listen to music and travel across galaxies, only to have it end in slammed doors, heartbreak and loneliness? Sure. Where do I sign up?” And then find yourself apologising profusely.
So here are ten questions that will show you that sassy Siri is the shizz!